Why do most humans seem to regard finding a partner as an important goal in life, as if “having a partner” is a preset requirement for a person? Am I an outlier for not thinking this way?
No, as someone who lives a free and unrestrained life without any constraints, I always think that it is other people who are to blame. However, this mentality can easily be interpreted as forcing a smile or being stubborn when one fails to find a partner, which is really troublesome.
I want to be alone 99% of the time, and only want to interact with people 1% of the time, but this ratio is so small that it can be ignored. Usually friends and family can meet this 1% need. This is why I don’t want to find a partner: a partner is a commitment. You must interact with another person continuously during the relationship, and the other person will become a part of your daily life.
To put it bluntly, it means being tied to death by another human being.
So if I tell the other person that I only want to be your girlfriend for 1 hour a day, and want to stay single for the other 23 hours, and ask him or her not to bother me or contact me… he or she will either think I have a hole in my head or suspect that I am AI, right?
It’s just that there are some occasions that you can’t avoid even if you want to, those occasions that strongly suggest that you must bring plus one. At these times, I always lament why AI is progressing so slowly. It would be great if there was a real-life AI that could act as a boyfriend and fool everyone.
I had no choice but to settle for a real person, so I found a rental boyfriend… to accompany me to kill snakes and attend funerals.
Hmm, jumping too fast?
Here’s what happened. There was an annoying old-fashioned relative who kept a bunch of snakes. His house was huge, so every family gathering was held at his house, and there was no way to avoid him. He loved to lecture and comment on other people’s lives, and relatives without partners were often the target of his criticism, and he criticized them like criminals. He lost his wife very early, and he thought that this was the only acceptable reason for a person to be without a partner. He used this point to stand on a moral high ground and make comments on young people today.
Who knows if his wife died a long time ago because she was exhausted from being unable to stand him?
That’s not all. In addition, he is a snake lover. His biggest interest is to invite everyone to see his snakes and enter the room he calls the “Snake House”. He will also force people to touch the snakes. If you refuse, at best he will laugh at you and say that you are too timid to be afraid of snakes. At worst, he will get angry and accuse you of not giving his pets face.
Anyway, he was a very troublesome person, and I really wanted to teach him a lesson, and I had the idea of killing all his snakes. But he had at least a dozen snakes, and I couldn’t handle it alone, so I had to ask an assistant to help.
But where can I find such a commission? I want to ask a snake killer to kill my relative’s snake? This seems like a prank, or it may attract the attention of relevant departments or nosy passers-by, and may even involve troublesome legal issues.
An idea suddenly occurred to me: what if I hired a boyfriend for rent? No one would think that the purpose of the boyfriend for rent is to kill snakes. Even if the deed is exposed and the other party’s identity is discovered, I can just say that I am just a lonely woman who wants to pay for a man’s company to win the other party’s pity, sympathy or contempt. With the cover of a boyfriend for rent, at least the focus of killing snakes can be temporarily diverted, and it will be much easier to find a way when the time comes.
How can we not make good use of this prejudice and blind spot?
By the way, you may want to ask why I don’t hire a boyfriend to play the role of boyfriend and attend the relatives’ gathering together? I don’t want to please that old man. I want to vomit when I think of his satisfied expression when he sees me accept his teachings and find a partner.
Besides, such hypocritical talk as forgiving others in order to let yourself off the hook is simply bullshit. I don’t buy into this kind of saintly mentality. The only way to vent my anger is to punish him myself.
I want to give him a shocking education.
So I went to the rental boyfriend website to look for suitable candidates. First, I searched for the keywords: special needs negotiable , and those who mentioned that they liked animals (such as cats and dogs) were all filtered out. Although people who like cats and dogs may not like reptiles, there is still a difference between not liking and actively killing reptiles. If you encounter radical animal protection activists, it will be troublesome.
I set the age range between 25 and 35 years old. I am afraid that those who are too young will post on the Internet for every trivial matter and cannot control their mouths and fingers. Those who are too old may have too strong a sense of morality or a strange sense of responsibility and be difficult to deal with.
I sent private messages to the candidates who were initially shortlisted, and first mentioned that my “special needs” were related to reptiles, and that I had to have physical contact with reptiles, and the reward was generous. If anyone couldn’t accept it, I would ask the next one.
I was surprised to find a person I had contacted by the fourth person. His nickname is Xiao Wei, he is 28 years old, 175 cm tall, and weighs 70 kg. Is that a standard body type? He looks fair and cold, wearing a pair of fake round glasses that look like a scholar, and for some reason he exudes the aura of a serial killer.
I’m looking for someone with a low sense of morality and almost no sense of guilt, who can simply view it as a job even if subsequent negative complications occur, and who will not be restrained from telling others or reporting it due to the condemnation of his conscience.
It’s him!
Xiao Wei said that he had no problem with physical contact with reptiles, and then asked sharply if it was related to pest control. I said yes, and hoped that the details could be discussed by phone or in person. I would also pay the hourly wage for the meeting. After the phone call was finalized, I carefully confirmed with him that no one was around and that the conversation and the commission must be kept confidential. Then I told him the crazy plan in full. The fee was the hourly wage plus 20,000 yuan for killing the snake.
He was silent for a few seconds. I thought he was scared and hung up the phone, but his first response was: “So when do you expect to execute it? I need to prepare the tools.”
It was so good, I was shaking with joy. Maybe it was a high reward for renting a boyfriend, but not so high that it looked like a scam. And I didn’t want him to kill all the snakes by himself, I would also participate in it myself. If you don’t consider the physical disgust or moral aspects of killing snakes, it’s really a very cost-effective deal.
I confirmed again and again that he was willing to accept the commission, and then sent him the snake killing plan, listing the motivation, execution date, required tools, execution process, remuneration and other details. I asked him to read it carefully and to ask me any questions at any time.
The scheduled execution date was the third day that the old man was away on a trip abroad. It was observed that he did not have a particularly good relationship with his three middle-aged children, and they would not step into the house unless it was necessary; they hated these snakes just like other relatives. So there was no need to worry about being caught.
For the sake of convenience, the old man usually puts a bunch of spare keys on the bowl on the cabinet at the door for everyone to use at will, but usually no one takes them. It is true that it is easy to enter and exit his house. After the plan was formed, I took the spare key and made two copies to prevent losing it.
I asked Xiaowei not to wear anything too conspicuous or bring too big a bag, and I would provide the main tools. We agreed to meet at the MRT station five stops away after noon, and then take the MRT to Lao Guban’s house together, so that at least some passersby would see the illusion that we were dating.
Xiao Wei was stronger than I expected, his skin was a little darker than in the photo, he didn’t wear glasses, he wore a baseball cap, and he carried a gym bag, he looked different from the photo, but it was the same person, he couldn’t hide his indifference. I asked him casually, he said a little embarrassedly that since he was going to carry out a secret mission, he thought it might be helpful to change his appearance so that people couldn’t recognize him.
I laughed sincerely, thinking that this rental boyfriend is really good. I hope he can kill snakes as well. Although I am a little concerned about the size of the gym bag, it looks reasonable with his clothes, so it should be fine.
Xiao Wei was surprisingly easy to talk to. He said that he worked for a few years after graduating from college, and wanted to improve himself so he quit his job to go to graduate school. He just handed in his thesis recently, and suddenly had a lot of extra time. When he was browsing the Internet, he found a boyfriend-rental website and thought it was quite interesting. Just chatting and taking on some commissions can make extra money, which is super cost-effective. He sounds like a normal person, why would he take such a weird commission from me?
I soon found out why.
Arriving at the old-fashioned house with old-fashioned decoration, I took out tools from the canvas bag, including snake catchers, large scissors, hammers, work gloves, alcohol, rags, raincoats, goggles, masks, black garbage bags, etc. I wanted to prepare medicine, but then I thought it would be quicker to use the traditional method, which is rough and simple. His snakes are nocturnal, and we arranged that they would be sleeping during the day, so the two of us could work together to solve the problem quickly.
Who would have thought that after Xiao Wei looked at my tools, he quietly took out two traditional large kitchen knives from his gym bag and then said, “I saw that there were no kitchen knives listed in the plan, and I thought they could come in handy.”
I was stunned for a few seconds. Is this what the gym bag is for? For a moment, I wondered if he had really killed someone, and I couldn’t help but shudder. In this age of takeout, who would have such a big kitchen knife?
But I quickly calmed down because I had security measures: from the moment we met, I started secretly recording and uploading it to the cloud, just in case. Of course, I kept this secret from Xiao Wei.
Even if he really is a murderer, the worst that can happen is that he is hacked to death and his body will be discovered soon. The old-fashioned guy will always go home, so he can only be the first discoverer.
After these thoughts flashed through my mind quickly, the last thing I asked was, could it be that the kitchen knife was bought specifically for this mission?
He said no, in fact he likes cooking very much, he also worked in the restaurant backstage when he was a student, he is very good at handling ingredients, he has several kitchen knives of various types at home. These two are very old, they have been placed in the cabinet and have never been handled, he thought that this occasion is just right to use them, and he sharpened them slightly with a whetstone.
I understood immediately. To Xiao Wei, the difference between reptiles and fish might not be that big (in evolution, this is true). As long as they are treated as ingredients to be cooked, there is no moral entanglement or shadow to speak of.
I have great admiration for my own perspective on people.
The kitchen knife is very convenient, but it is not very smooth for me to use it with my strength, so I told Xiao Wei to keep both knives, and I would use the big scissors and hammer to deal with it. We put on raincoats, gloves, goggles and masks, and were fully prepared. I felt conflicted. On the one hand, I felt physically uncomfortable when I thought about stepping into the dark and damp snake house again, but on the other hand, I was very excited: I could finally kill these creatures with my own hands. Just thinking about the expression on Lao Gufan’s face when he returned home made me want to scream with joy.
I turned on all the lights in the snake house, turned off all the temperature control devices, and started killing.
You can imagine the slow-motion scenes from a bloody horror movie. Two fully armed perverted killers step into the forbidden area, thrust their sharp blades into the breeding box and wreak havoc, spurting out different shades of red blood in the process of hacking, and the hissing of snakes is endless, accompanied by painful twisting and curling.
I hit the snake’s head hard with a hammer, and then cut its body into several pieces with a pair of large scissors, repeating the same action over and over again, venting all my anger at the old-fashioned people on them. Xiao Wei, who was not angry and was simply doing his job, moved more quickly and efficiently, just like a fishmonger chopping fish in a vegetable market, with a focused look and no hesitation. We didn’t rest after we started, and we finished one box after another according to the plan until the last snake stopped struggling.
We killed all his snakes .
We looked at each other almost at the same time and couldn’t help laughing. We looked like murderers at a crime scene, with blood all over our upper bodies, and even our goggles and masks were sprayed everywhere. I really wanted to take a picture, but it was too dangerous to leave video evidence. We had to change out of this outfit as soon as possible, after all, the hard work just now made us sweat, and the smell would only get worse.
He looked calm, but I still asked him how he felt. He showed a surprised expression and said it was great, just like killing fish. I laughed again, and it was just as I guessed. Then he asked me, how do you feel now? Are you okay?
In addition to the excitement of adrenaline, the deeper feeling is the pleasure of successful revenge and the sense of accomplishment of completing a major task. In fact, what I enjoy most is the process of killing the snake. The feeling of inflicting retribution with one’s own hands is incomparable. Revenge is really refreshing.
It couldn’t be better, I said.
After we cleaned up and tidied our clothes and appearance, I gave Xiao Wei the agreed remuneration. He looked surprised. I asked him what happened. He smiled and said that although it was agreed before, he still felt it was incredible that he could get so much money just by doing the same things as usual.
What a good kid. I asked him if I could contact him again if I needed him in the future. He said of course he could, and he was very welcome. It was a pleasure to work with him this time.
Who knew I would need to entrust him again so soon.
After returning from abroad, the old man found that all his beloved snakes were dead. He was so shocked that he had a heart attack and died on the spot. He died on the floor of his favorite snake house. It was a kind of comfort to die surrounded by his beloved snakes.
This is my interpretation of the story after listening to it recounted by other relatives, but others don’t seem to think that way.
He had some heart problems, and he was not young anymore, so his death was not surprising to everyone. No one even tried to explore the causal relationship between the death of all the snakes and his death, or why the snakes were obviously killed. This was probably because no one except him had any good feelings towards those snakes, and they were more relieved: if no one dealt with those snakes after his death, it would only cause more trouble, and now that these snakes were dead, it just saved the trouble.
I was really lucky, should I say I killed two birds with one stone? The old fogy and his snake both disappeared from my life. It seems that none of my preparations were useful, and things turned out to be even better than expected, but it’s better to be prepared.
How could I not attend the funeral of such an important relative?
I received the funeral notice, and the gears in my head started turning again. Wouldn’t this be the perfect occasion to bring my boyfriend? Just imagining him jumping out of the coffin in frustration when he saw two snake killers attending his funeral together made my mouth curl up. I really want to see it.
In this kind of situation where no one has suggested to bring a plus one, I still insist on bringing someone.
I called Xiao Wei right away, and inadvertently got too excited and said, “Congratulations on getting the funeral ticket!”
Fortunately, he seemed to have saved my cell phone number. He was stunned for about a second and then asked with a smile, “Is this a commission for attending the farewell ceremony?”
That’s right! Based on moral considerations, I told Xiao Wei all the details about how the old man saw the dead snake and died after being shocked, but no one discovered the murderer.
If you have any qualms or resistance, I won’t force you. I just think if this is a satirical comedy movie, this ending will definitely be a stroke of genius, and it will also have a coherent effect. In addition to the hourly wage for attending the funeral, I will also provide additional subsidies, fearing that some people may be taboo…
Before I finished speaking, I heard Xiao Wei laugh out loud on the other end of the phone. You are really an amazing person! He said. I must take it. How can I miss such an interesting thing? Besides, I have heard you talk about old-fashioned things for so long, but I have never seen what he looks like. This is a good opportunity to see his photo. I have been a boyfriend for rent for about half a year. The commissions I received from you in the past two weeks are a hundred times more interesting than all the commissions in the past few months combined.
I smiled and said, we are the same, you are really a strange man.
I took my rental boyfriend’s hand and walked into the funeral venue in high spirits.
